my shit diary

05/18/25
as if life couldn't get more hilarious!
so i went to the er in the early morning! that wasn't fun </3...
no ofc not for my mental anguish. not for my harmful ideations.
for dizziness, which was still distressing.
either way, it was a painful trip, i dont really like hospitals.
my iv drip was hurting so much but the nurses said it was normal, mother told me to quit my crying.
i just feel insane, like my problems are being ignored by my family. im told
im just a cry baby, a hypochondriac, nothing is wrong with me, its all in my head.
but it's not, im fucking suffering and i can't continue to live in this anguish.
everything hurts always.
im fucking tired.

05/17/25
so...life is quite a funny thing.
hilarious even.
i say this sarcastically of course, i seemingly can't have a normal day without something happening to me, i fear.
alot of my horrible thoughts have been haunting me, quite nearly manifesting. i try not
to act on any of them. i hate feeling this way. i dont want to feel this way.
living in this body, it's torture. i feel like my soul was put on here to only experience suffering.
i had alot happen to me this past few months. some good, but mainly terrible.
█████, i know you beg me to keep going, and i try for you.
but how much can a worn down, broken girl like me handle before she shatters completely?

12/10/24
well...well well well...
its been a while hasnt it? sorry for being dead on this site, your webmaster has been up to some stuff...like having a job (unfortunate). am i happy?
nah, barely, not necessarily hating the work itself, its just not my passion, and doesn't align with my beliefs, but work is work and thats
all that matters to be honest LOL. yeaaaaaa im trying to find side hustles. i have a couple main goals for the new year shockingly. the highest one being moving out
of my shithole of a home, move in with some friends. finally get my life together, by then id probably be able to truly be myself...
well i think thats all...see you in a bit.

6/23/24
im so tired

6/2/24
well. its june. sorry for abandoning this site.
my mental health has gotten worse and worse lately. i cant do anything.
im fucking sad, anxious, angry, im unhappy with my life, and im just going thru so much shit at home.
i feel like theres nothing for me in life, so why continue even living. no one loves me.
im living in a fucking nightmare at home...my mother made me do something horrible.
im scared of her. fucking terrified.
shes batshit and theres nothing i can do to fix it. she needs help.
but she wont get that help. im so fucking lost in this world. im sick of the abuse from everyone.
im so close to just ... well ...

i hope one day i will never wake up. an entire sleep.

3/24/24
forgive me for forgetting to update this page. ill be honest i havent had much
motivation to really do anything, my brain's been rotting slowly the more i live.
ill try to be better at updating more often.
well anyways this site will have a huge overhaul :), was termed from tumblr
for being apart of a certain community, so i might as well just
change up this blog and keep this going instead
of relying so much on tumblr...:/ which sucks because
im losing most of the mutuals i made, and they were all great.
ill miss them forever.

2/2/24
one of my friends asked if im excited to finally be 21 and to be
quite honest with you. im not. at all.
i wasn't even supposed to live this long to be honest, so
really i dont really know what the fuck im supposed to be doing. i was supposed to die when i was 18.
had that shit all planned out too, and yet.
i didnt?
i dont know why, i dont know who, or what forces got me to stop, but i did and now
i cant tell if i regret it or not.

1/25/24
to be honest with you, i dont know what im doing in my life anymore,
everyday feels the same, just an infitnate loop.
get up
go to work for 8-9 hrs
go home
rot
sleep
repeat
im trying to break out of it by trying to go out more, talk to people despite the fact
i hate people and socializing in the real world.
trying to pick up another hobby, but i just no energy, i dont wanna get out of bed, i dont wanna read, play games
or do anything i enjoy. im constantly stressed out of my fucking mind
because of everything going on in my life, all i wanna do is lay in bed, and sleep forever.
just let my fucking skin stick to the mattress! let my body decompose on it!
GAWD!!!!!
anyways, ...ya...this is why my psychistrist gave me new meds looool...

1/14/24
well...first entry ever. to be quite honest
im not too sure on what to share here,

everything feels like a blur...
ill have a coherent thought soon.